It's getting bad again
a poem I wrote a year or two ago. but it's relevant now
I knew it was getting bad again
When in the morning it got harder to get up
When I kept throwing up
And I knew it was getting bad again
When my cheeks started to hurt from fake smiling
When my laughter turned hollow as I kept lying
I knew it was getting bad again
When my hands started to tremble
And my composure started to crumble
And I knew it was getting bad again
When I wanted to but couldn’t eat
And eating without getting sick became a treat
I knew it was getting bad again
When my headaches grew stronger
And the noise grew louder
And I knew it was getting bad again
When something I tried so hard to forget came back
And the voices in my head all said “You need that”
I knew it was getting bad again
When it got harder to resist
The lie in my head that couldn’t be missed
And I knew it was getting bad again
When I lay in bed all day
Crying endlessly and not being able to pray
I knew it was getting bad again
When I lay awake at night
Wondering if I really was alright
And I knew it was getting bad again
When the darkness started to close in
And I couldn’t see Him
I knew it was getting bad again
When a simple conversation became exhausting
And messing around was draining
And I knew it was getting bad again
When I started to forget how to eat
When I started to forget how to sleep
I knew it was getting bad again
When I had no motivation for anything
When everything felt numbing
And I knew it was getting bad again
When I could hardly walk
And when I could barely talk
I knew it was getting bad again
When I became numb
And all my emotions seemed dumb
And I knew it was getting bad again
When I started to question if anyone loved me
And if they would all soon leave me
I knew it was getting bad again
When the thought of going out became terrifying
And I stayed inside hiding
And I knew it was getting bad again
When my eyes became red
And my head felt like led
I knew it was getting bad again
When the dark circles became consistent
And when dry, smarting eyes became persistent
And I know it’s getting bad again
When I feel the darkness swallow me up
And I can’t get up
This is powerful Ophelia!! I hate that you are able to describe this place sooo well!! It makes me sad that you experience this level of pain!! But I am blown away to see how bravely you share this journey with others and your not shying away from the vulnerability of it!! It can be very therapeutic to write down suffering...I wish that no one would have lived any of this in their lives!! 💓💓💓🫂💓💓💓
I have lived this poem.
I wish I could offer more than that meagre slice of “you speak raw truth.”
Because you already know that part. It’s the other end you want to reach.
I have no advice on how. We each find our own candle, firefly, guiding spark.
All I can offer is that it is possible. You are capable.